It’s sometimes hard for people to tell, but I know that television isn’t real. I mean, I can’t have a normal conversation in my own life without invoking some quote, idea, or concept that I picked up from a show on television. Doesn’t even have to be a good program, just one that grabs my attention for that two seconds to be imprinted on my brain. It’s a damn nuisance too, because I can’t remember what I did three hours ago, but I can tell you what Phil was wearing when the first place team came in to win the Amazing Race last season.
I do know that it isn’t real. This isn’t Facts of Life and Mrs. Garrett isn’t going to come to my house to dispense her motherly advice when I accidentally trash my car or make me hot chocolate when I can’t sleep because I’m worried about my son having his first sleepover with a friend whose family I don’t know especially well. But, oh how I wish it WAS real, that I could have someone like Mrs. G take the burden of worry off of my shoulders and allow me to float along unconcerned and blissfully ignorant. Oh, I wish…
My mind is one of those machines that functions equally in reality and fantasy, and I believe that I have willfully created it to act that way. Not that I have had an especially terrible life that needs to be sprinkled in glitter and rainbows, but I have found myself bored, even unimpressed with some of the choices I have made. I don’t even think I would be taking the time to write all of this down if I wasn’t feeling a need to create and alter my universe. Never completely happy for where I am or where I could be.
Shit, now I’m sounding melancholy, but that really isn’t what I am trying to say. I have loved the greatest love in my dreams and I have imagined I’ve won the lottery and strewn money down on my family and friends. I have been tied down and run over by a murderous ex-choir teacher and I have been hunted throughout my childhood home by murderous dark cloaked invaders. It is exhausting, but exhilarating having these thoughts, even when some of them make me sneer at the life I am really living.
I have this game that I play in the shower almost every day. I transport myself into a moment of a movie or show that I love and act it out as I wash myself clean. I have talked more to my bathroom wall than my own husband. #Truth. My shower curtain saw me cry when Cory Monteith died, saw me rip a new one into Jack Torrance when he came after me with a knife, and has even heard me sing Whitney Houston’s version of The Star-Spangled Banner. The best part is that my curtain cannot talk back. It can’t make me feel small or untalented, because it just hangs there and shelters me in my little cocoon of unreality. My shower has convinced me that I can out sing Karen Carpenter. Hmm, I spend way too much time in my shower.
My husband, Greg, is my best friend in the entire world. He has seen me do shit that I might jump off a bridge for, if it ever got out to the masses. He has my back, and I appreciate it. The thing is, he isn’t knocking my socks off like I dream Nathan Fillion would if he ever let me within ten feet of him. He isn’t singing me pretty songs or taking me on a private jet to have dinner in Las Vegas. He’s just there. For me. Making me crazy and making me think. Loving me and loving our son. Doing my laundry and washing my car. Wait, maybe he is knocking my socks off—if only to get them into the washing machine!
Anyway, I suspect that even if Greg could be the most perfect man in the universe, it still wouldn’t make me completely content with my life. Something out there has got to be better. Someone has got to be out there that will love me more. Someone has got to be out there that will make me feel like there is no more beautiful person on earth than me. But probably not, because I do know that it’s not real.
I just love the beautifulness of creating my unreal reality. It would probably surprise many people to know how much these good and bad fantasies determine how I interact with them in the world. If I’ve had a dream heavy night of trying to hook up with Darren Criss (and believe me there have been a lot of nights where I have tried to hook up with Darren Criss–damn, I’m such a dirty old lady), but things just don’t play out, my co-workers feel the punch the next day. I’m not even kidding, I am seriously that far gone. But it’s all good. When things do work pretty awesomely in my dreams I’m your best friend in the world—at least until the next day. I am nothing if not well balanced. Insert eye roll here.
As much as I like to torture myself and bitch at myself for choices that I have made in life, I have to say that I am almost fully content. My little family unit is just as fun and functional as a cute pair of sneakers and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Except for when I want it another way. That’s why I’m probably never going to change this part of my personality and I am going to embrace it for what it is, a tool that I use to spur myself on to greater ideas. I may end up a little schizophrenic once in a while, but, hey, who doesn’t. I am convinced that all of this craziness makes my life better, or at the very least makes for some really interesting stories!
© DRB 2015
photo: surgicalaftercare.com
a funny thing happened when I was learning myself 
I have tagged you for the Dashing Through the Snow Book Tag. The taggies are under no obligation to pass on the award. I pass the award to those that I follow and enjoy their talent, as well as those that are supportive of my blogs. Instructions are posted in my blog: http://amanpan.com/2015/12/19/dashing-through-the-snow/
LikeLiked by 1 person
[…] A Funny Thing Happened When I Was Learning Myself. […]
LikeLike
I act out scenarios on my commute…so I feel ya. And I’ve brutally fended off many an attacker in my mind when I’m out running! (For some reason, that makes me run faster….disturbing yet motivating….)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! That’s funny about your scenarios involving running. I have run around the track and I’ve pictured my favorite Glee characters cheering me all around the last lap!
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is someone out there who thinks you are the very best and love you more – you. Sounds like you are keeping in touch with your emotional temperature through your fantasizing. Also, this is a nice piece of writing. It has a nice satirical sound to it. You can use your fantasizing as a jumping off point for writing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re right! No one can love me more than me. Can’t say that I’m my favorite person all of the time, but I love myself pretty well! Thank you.
LikeLike
I met a woman at a party once who told me she used to work at home. She always kept the tv on in the background so she’d feel like wasn’t working alone. She met some D list celebrity and said to him, I know we’ve met before. They took a few minutes trying to figure how/when they’d met. Later, after he’d walked away, she realized he was on one of the tv shows that ran in the background. At least you aren’t really expecting Mrs G to walk in the door…
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s pretty cool. I need t.v. in the background (I just realized that I have been spelling that wrong for my whole life) to go to sleep. Probably explains the crazy things I dream about.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This made me smile 🙂 Good day to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! My work is done…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love it!
Don’t underestimate the power of the shower! I’ve solved many problems (both mine and the world’s) in there. Sometimes it takes a while, but the prune-skin is worth it. 😉
LikeLike
The shower is totally amazing! I agree that the prune skin is definitely worth it. I wish the confidence I had in the shower didn’t get dried away by my towel…
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is awesome Rene! I will admit that I have created entirely new characters and put them into tv shows in my mind. I am of course the new character, in different forms but its still me. Yes, one of the shows is still Star Trek: TNG and I’m little embarrassed to admit this one… Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. So incredibly cheesy and historically inaccurate, but I love it! They don’t usually infiltrate my dreams but they do my reality. I’m think about the stories in the car, before I go to bed, when I’m making dinner. I’m not sure how much I actually think about reality…
LikeLike
Hey Cher. Dr. Quinn is funny because when we were getting your wedding dress I totally pictured with a Dr. Mike hairdo. Wearing a cameo. You don’t surprise me for one second!
LikeLike
I escape into “my” TV shows too. 🙂 I have conversations with the characters.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally get it. Here’s my next question, do you ever let yourself “win” or “get the happy ending?” Even though I’m in charge of these dreams and experiences, I sometimes don’t let myself win. I wonder why that is?
LikeLike
hmmm. I don’t know. I guess, yes, I do let myself win. I often just imagine a “scene,” though, and not a whole “storyline,” if that makes sense. So I don’t always get to the actual “happy ending” (or sad ending.)
LikeLiked by 1 person
love
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
Totally get it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I knew I couldn’t be the only one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is awesome! I also do my fair share of daydreaming but I don’t watch TV or movies very much… I guess for me I always feel there’s too much information there and therefore it doesn’t allow my imagination to do any of the work. Thanks for the different perspective! I am slowly working my way through a series on Netflix and will experiment with seeing it as a jumping off point for imagination rather than as a lazy, spoon-fed experience, haha! Thanks for sharing this. I really like your perspective. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! I just have to make sure I don’t steal someone’s ideas! I have always been pretty good at “what a great idea, now how about this…”
LikeLike
who doesn’t have a crush on Capt. Tightpants?! even the husbandguy thinks he’s attractive (and likes to point out how ‘ruggedly handsome’ he is). Indulging fantasy is what keeps us sane!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Everybody loves Mal! That should be a new t.v. show. Someday I’m going to have to write a story about being a Browncoat. My car is a shrine to Firefly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hehe awesome!
LikeLike
As always, such an entertaining read 🙂 thank you for sharing. I think my shower has seen quite a bit of my heart too: in laughter and tears and song and awkwardness.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! I think the shower is the most important place in a person’s house. So many decisions get made, songs get sung, and tensions float away. It’s one of my favorite places to spend time. (My husband has a heart attack every month over the water bill!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree! I tell my mom that some of the most important revelations I have had in life I have had while in the bathroom. It is like a place of calm in our crazy lives…
LikeLike