Hello to all my lovely online friends,
Today has been a rather strange day for me when it comes to writing on my blog. Last night I was gung-ho about my new piece (voted on by various readers) “I Want Your Attention but Stop Looking at Me!” I had a hard time getting started and I basically ended up banishing myself to a world with no sleep until I could get something down on paper. Lo and behold I got my groove on and I was enjoying the writing process again. After a few hundred words I decided that I had written enough and that I could safely have a good night’s sleep and then wake up and continue with my story. I was really trying to get the post nailed down because I like to put things out on Wednesday (for that seems to be a good day for people to want to read my blog). So I had everything planned, and then I woke up to the news about the shooting that happened on live television this morning.
I have always been a huge television news junkie, but reporting has gotten so sensationalized and so spun around that if I’m not catching the first two minutes of a news show or catch a breaking story before the fancy graphics start showing up, I won’t watch it. But I always check the internet for my news. I just prefer reading and I can go over those words until I squeeze out all of the details I can about a story. This horrific shooting was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I took my son to school and then glued myself to the television. Things were coming in fast and fluid and everything was authentic and, well, newsworthy. Eventually things started to flatten out and the entire horrible event was slowed down and I began to feel my mood change from angry to sad. Those poor kids. That complete asshole. What in the hell is going on in the world?
Then reports about a video made from the killer’s point of view. The video being put on social media. The 20 odd page manifesto he sent to a news studio. The tweets. The desire for attention. I think everyone knew how this was going to end. The murderer was not going to be caught alive. And he didn’t. And I am still looking up information on the internet. Looking for another nugget of…something. Giving that asshole his attention. I hate myself for it. I can’t seem to stop it. But I am going to try. I am going to try.
It seems almost impossible to want to go back and continue writing that piece on attention, but I don’t want to let it go. I am afraid that my story is just the other side of the killer’s coin. I’m not going to go out and hurt someone for it, but.. Attention. Why do I want it? Why do I need it? Why is so important to who I am? It’s not something that is desired just by me, but by millions of people around the world. Why? When did it become such an important commodity?
I’m sorry to be so down on a blog I really try to keep upbeat and cheery and I hope to get back up again soon. Thanks for just listening to the rants of a person who just doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.
© DRB 2015
a funny thing happened when I was learning myself 
I’ve asked myself the same questions about needing attention when I look at my issues with food….and then I shake my head at myself – the world is a scary and complex place, and I spend THIS MUCH energy beating myself up with ice cream. I’m a mess. Bu then, aren’t we all, to some degree?
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It’s kind of comforting knowing I’m not the only mess out there. 😉
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If your post was to be about “attention”, the story of the cold blooded killings of Allison Parker and Adam Ward got everyone’s attention! The murderer achieved your goal! Needing attention says that perhaps one is unsure of himself and looks to others for acknowledgement. It is a very sad world we live in today! The joy out of all this darkness is that both Allison and Adam graced us with their light, if but even for a brief time. May their light continue to shine through other’s acts of kindnesses.
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I know I will think of Alison and Adam often…and hopefully a lot of good things about them.
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I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a huge downer moment on Tuesday (before the shootings), because I had seen one too many stories on Facebook where people were horrible to each other and to innocent animals. The hubby had to talk me off the ledge, I literally had a moment where I was ashamed to be human. Yes, human. I’m back to my normal self now, but mainly because I’ve been immersing myself in humor. That fantastic creative outlet of humans, it goes along way to helping me realize not everyone is bad.
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That’s the thing. Not everyone is bad. I don’t want to get terrified over things like this, because not everyone is bad, but it’s hard to keep a straight head.
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It really gets shitty sometimes (excuse my French). I wonder why people are failing to take ownership of their problems and seek help instead of going around and shooting others. It’s really a baffling and hurtful World. I saw the news and kept telling myself not to get into a snit. The miserable attention seeker 😦
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It is sad. We need to work with our young people and let them know that everything isn’t about them, things might look and feel crappy now but they always get better so dust yourself off and make things happen, and you have to work for good things–they don’t just happen to you. I think if young people were taught those things they would be able to handle their anger issues. I know the shooter was an older person, but he obviously couldn’t control his anger.
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I agree with your comments. I think part of the problem is today’s tendency where people have become more selfish in their thoughts and acts. Every thing is about me, myself and I.
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I completely understand how you’re feeling, those are my thoughts exactly. As much good that can come from this world, it sometimes seems as if the ugly darkness is more. There is always good though, I hope you get back to being cheery as soon as you can!
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Thank you. I feel better today. I just don’t want to get overwhelmed by the darkness. Thanks for your words.
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I completely understand. It’s sometimes easy to become overwhelmed; we just have to try really hard to look to the positives! I’m very glad you’re feeling better today. 🙂
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I think connection and attention are two different things. When I read your blog it is to connect, to people in a virtual world to find some commonality. Connection, imo, is why we are here.
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when I say “here” I mean not only wordpress…but the larger greater universal “here” as well.
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I agree. Attention and connection can be separate things. But I think people use both to feel validated. Somehow just being adored or popular is really important to people. I love my connections on wordpress. I like being able to comment like this.
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