Hello to all my lovely online friends,
Today has been a rather strange day for me when it comes to writing on my blog. Last night I was gung-ho about my new piece (voted on by various readers) “I Want Your Attention but Stop Looking at Me!” I had a hard time getting started and I basically ended up banishing myself to a world with no sleep until I could get something down on paper. Lo and behold I got my groove on and I was enjoying the writing process again. After a few hundred words I decided that I had written enough and that I could safely have a good night’s sleep and then wake up and continue with my story. I was really trying to get the post nailed down because I like to put things out on Wednesday (for that seems to be a good day for people to want to read my blog). So I had everything planned, and then I woke up to the news about the shooting that happened on live television this morning.
I have always been a huge television news junkie, but reporting has gotten so sensationalized and so spun around that if I’m not catching the first two minutes of a news show or catch a breaking story before the fancy graphics start showing up, I won’t watch it. But I always check the internet for my news. I just prefer reading and I can go over those words until I squeeze out all of the details I can about a story. This horrific shooting was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I took my son to school and then glued myself to the television. Things were coming in fast and fluid and everything was authentic and, well, newsworthy. Eventually things started to flatten out and the entire horrible event was slowed down and I began to feel my mood change from angry to sad. Those poor kids. That complete asshole. What in the hell is going on in the world?
Then reports about a video made from the killer’s point of view. The video being put on social media. The 20 odd page manifesto he sent to a news studio. The tweets. The desire for attention. I think everyone knew how this was going to end. The murderer was not going to be caught alive. And he didn’t. And I am still looking up information on the internet. Looking for another nugget of…something. Giving that asshole his attention. I hate myself for it. I can’t seem to stop it. But I am going to try. I am going to try.
It seems almost impossible to want to go back and continue writing that piece on attention, but I don’t want to let it go. I am afraid that my story is just the other side of the killer’s coin. I’m not going to go out and hurt someone for it, but.. Attention. Why do I want it? Why do I need it? Why is so important to who I am? It’s not something that is desired just by me, but by millions of people around the world. Why? When did it become such an important commodity?
I’m sorry to be so down on a blog I really try to keep upbeat and cheery and I hope to get back up again soon. Thanks for just listening to the rants of a person who just doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.
© DRB 2015