KISS My Grits!

Now that I’m a lot older and I’ve managed to get myself through many a ridiculous situation, I find myself thinking back on the “good old days.” You know, they days when my parents would let me roam around like a wild animal for hours at a time, hanging with God knew who, doing who knows what. Until this moment, I never really thought about why the parental units were more than happy to let me and my siblings explore the world without their constant surveillance and direction. I’d like to think that they were exercising great parental knowledge by…

I Knew He Loved Me

He was the nicest boy I had ever met. He was handsome and smart, but most important of all, he would talk to me. We met in middle school and I was pretty much smitten from the very start. I can’t remember the exact day we came into first contact, but I do remember practically floating on a cloud whenever he came around me. I would try to sit by him in class, in the cafeteria, in the gymnasium, in the…you get the picture. Unfortunately, I was mired in my own insecurity issues and feelings of inadequacy (thank you tween…

You Want Me to Pay How Much to Have You Touch My Breast?!

I’m not one of those people who likes to go to the doctor’s office.  I mean, I don’t think there are really that many people that “like” going to the doctor but they’re more than ready to show up for their regular check-ups, give up two hours of life to sit in the pharmacy area, and pay for an office visit when they have a really bad head cold. I’m not one of those people.  I will stay home and puke in every empty vessel in the house before I even consider making the effort to visit the doctor. Of course,…

Psst…UniPerm Isn’t Code for Big Beautiful Curls

Once upon a time there was a young girl of eleven who was very impressionable and open to suggestions of all things good and bad.  She loved fairy tales and happily ever after and spent many a day and night dreaming about what life would be like in the future—would she have enough money to buy season tickets to the Denver Broncos?  Would she be beautiful and have a handsome husband?  Would she ever be elected to the Supreme Court (without having to become a lawyer and all of the pesky stuff that comes with being elected to the Supreme…

Chainsaw Murderer to the Rescue

I love Halloween.  I love it so much that I have no problem proclaiming it my favorite holiday of the year.  It’s kind of funny how this could even be possible considering I despise fall, I don’t care for much anything flavored pumpkin, and I don’t really get much enjoyment from scary pranks or costumes.  I do, however, love coming up with fun costume ideas, planning Halloween parties for my family and for the library, and going to corn mazes. When I was younger it was a hell of a lot easier for me to get in the mood for…

Part Six: Just Don’t Make Eye Contact

Catch up with parts one-five of my fabulous Disney vacation here. The next day started off with the sun shining and birds singing and the smell of freshly brewed coffee filling the air of our lovely Disney hotel…Okay, that’s not completely accurate, but it was close enough. Both of us had managed to get a decent amount of sleep and we had tons of fun on the horizon. The sun wasn’t up yet, the birds were quiet and the coffee maker was brewing hot water for the packets of oatmeal we brought from home. And, most importantly, we were practically…

Part Five: There’s No Patience at Disney

Catch up with parts one-four of my Disney Adventures here. Let me just start this section of my story off by saying that the Disney Express Transportation is fantastic. As Greg and I traveled alone to Animal Kingdom it became very clear that we were going to see a part of Disney World that we had never seen before. What a sight it was, too: I’m talking cars and trucks and parking lots all around. Concrete everywhere you looked and quiet roads with hardly any traffic. Of course, it didn’t matter to me how many parking lots we were looking…

Watch Your Step and Bee Careful–A Painful Life Lesson

Ah, the bees.  Just to start off, let me state that there were lots of bees.  So many bees that I was put in agonizing position of feeling gut-wrenching, terrorizing fear for the first time in my life.  But I had someone watching over me and my younger sister (who was just as frantically frightened as I was) who basically, in the span of two hours, cemented himself as my forever protector and “The Man Who Could Live through Anything!”  I am speaking of my dad, the person without whom this entire story could never be written because he was…

Part Four: Just Don’t Drop the Drink!

Catch up with parts one-three of my Disney Adventures here. The rain began innocently enough, but it was only a matter of time until we were under complete attack by the stinging pellets of precipitation that were streaking from the sky. Well, it was kind of just sprinkling a little harder, but I felt that it was turning into something personal. We had finally found the time to sit and take a breather (and get a little Star Wars action on) and our plans were now in jeopardy. Greg pointed out an unclaimed bench under a huge umbrella and we made a…

No, You Can’t Make Me Like the Birds

Birds suck.  I don’t have any flowery way to impart that information to you other than being completely honest.  I don’t like them.  Well…maybe just a little bit.  But they’re creepy and annoying and they stink to high hell.  It’s actually kind of funny that I am sitting here even talking about the little devils, but I’ve got an itch in my brain about this and there’s no going on in life if I don’t get it scratched. And it all started because of a lunatic goose that tried to take my hand off at the lake… Every once in…