I have high hopes for today. I’ve been working out like crazy and have been keeping a good eye on my calories. Hardly any cheating. I know I need to stop worrying about getting on the scale every day but if I’m ever going to reach my goal, I am going to have to seriously work harder than I ever have in my life. It doesn’t help that I feel so old and that I can heard my knees creaking every time I walk down the stairs, but I have hope that I can turn things around. I’m glad I have such a good support system. The hubby made grilled pork chops and veggies for dinner and it filled me up pretty well. Let’s see if I burned any of it off as I slept (I wish).
…Spent the day at the movies—like, literally the whole day. Went in to see Fifty Shades Darker (nothing like looking at a gorgeous woman with a perfect body knocking boots with a hot guy that doesn’t exist in the real world) and then stayed to watch it again. I just didn’t want to adult.
*Weigh In: Stayed the same today. I’m a bit disappointed, but I’ll kick through the rest of the day. No problem. Going to go on the treadmill for 30 minutes and then head over for aqua aerobics tonight. Time to kick myself into gear.
Water aerobics were fun again. It’s strange being the youngest one in the group—and the one that’s the most out of shape. I haven’t really found the guts to talk to anyone yet. I just get in my own little mental world and think about dumb things. Today it was Disney World and Mama June. I saw a commercial last night for her new show and I think it’s going to be obnoxious. They’re saying that she started at a size 18 and has worked her way down to a size 4. In her dreams. I am not even a size 18 after losing 20 pounds and I’m pretty sure that I was smaller than her when I started. Either that or everyone I have ever met in life has lied to me. I’m not going to go down that tunnel, that’s for sure. Not gonna lie, I’m kind of intrigued. Maybe it will kick me into gear. Didn’t drink nearly enough water today or yesterday and I totally feel it. I better have a better number today or I may freak out. I have a deadline for this weight and if I don’t start moving the numbers down soon, I’m going to have to change plans around. Fingers and toes crossed that I am going to make it.
*Weigh in: Well, that sucked. Went up a pound. I just don’t understand what in the hell is going on anymore. I keep trying and trying and it’s not working. This shit is hard. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to keep going.
I had a crazy dream last night that I had to cancel my Disney trip. Made me pretty flipping sad, too. Giving myself a trip to Disney as a reward for losing 30 pounds was a genius move—if I manage to pull it off. I’ve been trying since January and I just keep gaining and losing the same three pounds. I’m about ready to put the scale through the freaking wall. The clothes I tried on yesterday felt awesome and today I’m afraid to put them on. I can feel that my stomach has distended about two inches. There is no way that I am going to be able to button my pants. Freaking popcorn. Okay, okay. Freaking Oreos. I loved having them in my mouth for two minutes and then I regretted them for the rest of the night. I totally think this is why my shame spiral sent me straight to the Disney nightmare. I mean, if I can’t lose the weight, I have no reason to go, right? Right? I’m such a loser. You’d think I’d have more control by this time. I don’t. I just want some doughnuts. I need to stay away from the store.
*Too afraid to weigh in today. Try again tomorrow.
Went to water aerobics again. A sassy lady named Sally came over to introduce herself in the middle of the workout. Apparently meeting new people and learning their names is her favorite game to play. I know this because she told me three times during the conversation. She seems pretty cool. I finally have a friend! That aside, not sure if this water thing is going to work out. I am getting awfully fucking tired of the wet hair of strangers getting stuck between my toes. I want to gag every time it happens. Shudder. Had a good workout and I am desperate for my weight to go down. I did so well that I rewarded myself with a few minutes in the community hot tub. At least until I got trapped in the corner between three people discussing taxation on Social Security. Managed to pull myself out without disturbing anyone, but then totally pissed off one of the women by accidentally (I swear) kicking some water onto her hair. BTW, I now know that’s what “the stairs are for.” Jesus, I’m in junior high again.
*Weigh in-Still the same. FML.
Managed to get up early to ride on the stationary bike and walked one lap around the lake. It was nice being alone (it was kind of rainy) but then I slipped on some goose shit and almost broke my tailbone. Grrrrrrrrrr. Work was okay. Life at home is okay. I felt short today. Not sure why that matters.
*Weigh in- Not up for it. I think I can hear the scale calling my name at night.
I was not looking forward to today and it’s not hard to see why. I always, ALWAYS, feel the fattest on Sundays. I could barely get my pants buttoned this morning and I am already thinking of how to trick the family into taking me to IHOP. The boy has a play date later and I think I’m going to sneak over to the mall. Hubby wants to go to Twin Peaks but I’m not sure that going to a restaurant with girls in skimpy outfits is going to make me feel better. Oh well, it’s something new anyway. Let’s see if I can get away with not eating hot wings. (Don’t bet on it)…
Lunch was surprisingly nice. Managed not to eat anything crazy and then did some walking around the mall. It is official that I like online shopping better. Found a cute dress though. At least until I realized it was from the maternity department. Moved on and found a better dress. The hubby is good for my confidence. Might actually try the scale later today. We’ll see. My mood concerning this is up and down all of the time.
*Weigh in- Up one pound. Screw this. I’m jumping in front of the next train that barrels through my neighborhood. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Maybe it’s just better to be fat? Mama June can kiss my ass.
Okay, in a good groove: 30 minutes on elliptical trainer, aqua aerobic super butt kicking workout (Sally wasn’t there today) and long hot shower at home. Grabbed a couple of burgers and some peppermint patties and headed to the movies. Yes, I snuck them in. Tried to wait until the movie at least started, but in the interest of being honest, they were gone before previews were over. The previews were so gory and freaky that I almost revisited the food I had just snarfed. I knew I was going to feel like shit about all of this later, but at least I had a good time before it hit me. Ran over to the thrift store to try to find a Disney shirt for the trip but there was nothing. On a brighter note, I don’t have to look in the plus sizes for shirts anymore. Progress? I’ll take anything at this point. Dinner with family tonight—I need to make sure that it’s as low fat as possible. I can feel the weight of Burger King weighing me down. Why can’t I stop eating???!!!
*Weigh in- Nah, I’m good.
Water aerobics again and I’m just not sure what I think about it. Do you think I’m burning calories when my stomach starts sploshing around on its own? I twist this way and my stomach twists that? I can feel every bit of cellulite blobbing up and down each time I try to jog underwater. I am beginning to feel like a lava lamp! Got through the workout and slipped on wet toilet paper instead of wet hair on my way out. Went home for a shower and, unfortunately, saw myself naked in the mirror. I usually avoid this at all costs, but I was feeling like punishing myself. Let’s just say that my stomach looked like a peeled potato that had been setting out all night. I need a tan and I need to start losing this fat. Can I hook up a needle and suck fat out using a vacuum cleaner? I am so down right now. But two steps forward and two steps back, right? More like one step forward and three steps back, but I’m not giving up. I can do this. I will do this.
*Weigh in- down two pounds! Hallelujah!
Felt good all day today. Stayed away from the doughnuts. Stayed away from the burgers. Didn’t have any candy. No diet soda allowed. Got my water in. Did some Richard Simmons.
*Weigh in-down two more pounds!!!!!! I guess this not eating crap stuff and burning calories stuff really works! I wonder if I can sneak in a trip to Dairy Queen?