I’m fine. I’m just fine.
Lying in bed before starting the day: I want to write. I want to be known. I want to be creative. I want to share. I want to love. I want to bond.
Taking a shower: But I don’t want to spend time writing. I don’t like people to look at me. Being creative is difficult. I don’t like it when I share something and people don’t like it. I am too selfish to love fully. I like it when I get to be by myself.
Cleaning the restroom for the five millionth time: I want to be breezy. I want to be calm. I want to be happy. I want to feel worthy. I want to be special.
Pausing my show: But I don’t know how to make conversation. I am in a constant state of upheaval. I start off every day unhappy. I feel like an impostor. It hurts to know that most people will never know me.
Finishing off the gallon of Red Vines: I want to live in the moment. I want to be brave. I want to be effortless. I want to be graceful. I want to succeed.
Walking through the park: But I am never happy where I am. I am scared of every little decision. I need to raise myself up before doing anything. I drop everything that has ever been put in my hand. I have done well at many things but never to the fullest potential.
Trying to make cookies: I want to work. I want to work hard. I want to work with people. I want to have a team. I want best friends.
Burning the cookies: But I only want to do work that is important to me. I don’t mind working hard but only on my terms. I don’t have the right personality to work with too many people. I don’t like having to rely on other people to get my work done. I don’t feel that people think that I am best friend material.
Mowing the lawn: I love my husband. I love my son. I love my house. I love my life. I love decisions we have made. I am content.
Pretending to work out: But I’m afraid I don’t love my husband as much as I could. I love my son but I don’t think he loves me back as much. I think my house is too dark and that sometimes I am dwelling in a cave. I feel that my life is unfulfilled but I don’t exactly know why. I let my husband make a lot of the hard decisions and then get angry if he doesn’t do what I might have done. I am mostly at peace and then feel like my life is sham.
Cleaning the restroom for the six millionth time: I want to listen better. I want to understand. I want to help. I want to be worthy. I want to be beautiful, inside and out.
Trying to actually get library work done: But I have a mind that wanders if your story is too long. I don’t always want to take the time for you. I want to help if it doesn’t inconvenience me too much. I don’t feel like I count. I am a selfish person that will never be considered beautiful.
Pretending to listen to my son talk about Animal Crossing: I’m not nearly as smart as I like to pretend I am. I am a burden to most. I never give as much as I should. I have rarely given my best. I feel like I should be more…
Writing my blog: But today I am wise. I am light. I am a shoulder to lean on. I am trying my best. I am me.
Day 68 Round Up-
1 Zoom dance party with friends
1 socially distant picnic with a couple of co-workers
1 awesome batch of banana chocolate chip muffins created and consumed
2 failed home manicure/pedicures
5 half gallons of ice cream consumed (not just by me…almost)
7 new small house/eating out/traveling shows discovered (thanks to the SO)
8 full season viewings of Schitts Creek (I lied about the other shows—I watch nothing else)
55-ish hummingbird sightings
Unknown times I have (almost) stepped on the dog. The kiddo won’t leave me alone.
Two weeks without having the urge to punch someone (not necessarily the SO) in the balls. Progress!