You Want Me to Pay How Much to Have You Touch My Breast?!

I’m not one of those people who likes to go to the doctor’s office.  I mean, I don’t think there are really that many people that “like” going to the doctor but they’re more than ready to show up for their regular check-ups, give up two hours of life to sit in the pharmacy area, and pay for an office visit when they have a really bad head cold. I’m not one of those people.  I will stay home and puke in every empty vessel in the house before I even consider making the effort to visit the doctor. Of course,…

Damn the Model that Talked Me Into a Bikini

Some days I get into these strange moods and I end up making decisions that I know I will probably regret later.  These might include cutting all of my hair off, or buying two packages of ice cream bars that I will TOTALLY have the willpower to eat just one a day, and/or dry shaving my legs with an old razor because I’m in a hurry.  I’m just saying these might be good examples of what I mean—I’m not copping to anything. Now that I think about it, “some days” is somewhat of a misnomer.  A more accurate way to…

No, You Can’t Make Me Like the Birds

Birds suck.  I don’t have any flowery way to impart that information to you other than being completely honest.  I don’t like them.  Well…maybe just a little bit.  But they’re creepy and annoying and they stink to high hell.  It’s actually kind of funny that I am sitting here even talking about the little devils, but I’ve got an itch in my brain about this and there’s no going on in life if I don’t get it scratched. And it all started because of a lunatic goose that tried to take my hand off at the lake… Every once in…

Pay it Forward Died with Me

Before I get too deep into the nitty gritty of this story I want to make it clear that I am not a bad person—for at least 96.2% of the time. That other 3.8% consists of a couple of things that I will just never share (and is the biggest reason why I resist trying any kind of hypnotherapy) and a few things that just make me feel like an utter asshole. I just want that bigger number to be known before I cop to something that has kind of led me down a shame spiral lately. No, I didn’t…

Mini Musings—Thank Goodness I Have My Words

As I was wasting my life away on that time suck that is facebook, I came across a meme/photo/thing that describes me pretty well: I’m pretty quick to pass on different curiosities that cross my beloved laptop screen, but this one sort of stopped me in my tracks.  Its succinctness in describing my life can only be described as miraculous.  Now don’t get me wrong, you can’t really shut me up once I get going verbally, but when I get a keyboard in front of me we’re talking about a whole new dimension. My job as a children’s librarian requires…

When Expectations Hit the Fan—A Tale of Two Dressing Rooms

And so It Begins–A Tale of Two Dressing Rooms (Part One) Continued… After spending a few minutes looking for someone that looked like they had keys on them, I (sheepishly) realized that the door to the dressing room was unlocked.  I mentally slapped myself upside the head and continued with the task I had set myself up for—complete thrift store domination.  The signs said five items per room and I said, “Kiss my grits.” I shoved all of my precious items inside of the dressing room, hoarding like I was Gollum.  I have this irrational (or maybe all too real)…

And People Still Let Me Near Their Kids: Part Three

Continued from- And People Still Let Me Near Their Kids: Part One And People Still Let Me Near Their Kids: Part Two Tutor was put out to the public with just a little fanfare and was instantly loved by everyone.  People wanted to hold him all of the time, but I wasn’t down for that and kept telling people “someday” he would be ready for that kind of turtle/library customer relationship.  I stressed over the tank, and the fact that I couldn’t quite get the filter to work correctly.  A once pristine tank was now cloudy and dirty and I…

And People Still Let Me Near Their Kids: Part Two

Continued from And People Still Let Me Near Their Kids: Part One I kept putting off the final decision and was beginning to think that I might get away with not getting a library pet after all when the aforementioned friend of the library told us about a little turtle that she wasn’t going to be able to take with her when she moved to another town.  Of course, I knew nothing about turtles (and heaven forbid I actually do decent research at my place of business) but felt that it was the kind of animal I would be able…

And People Still Let Me near Their Kids: Part One

I am in an intense love/hate relationship with a turtle. Yes, you heard me correctly—a freaking turtle! Did I invite such a creature into my home to become a part of my family? I did not.  Did I walk into a pet store and happen upon a cute little critter swimming happily in his tank and fall instantly in love? No, although that would be an interesting start to a story.  I just happened to be in the right (wrong?) frame of mind when a friend came in and asked if the library would be interested in taking a turtle…

Yeah, You’d Better Watch Out!

I am a badass. But you already knew that, didn’t you? I feel that I’m stating the obvious because if you’ve spent any time reading anything at all that I have written, you already know this. My grace under pressure, my ability to put all others before myself, and, yes, my unending confidence when it comes maneuvering through any unusual situation I may find myself—yeah, badass is the word. But why do I proclaim this statement so assuredly today? Because I tapped into a pool of inner strength so deeply buried inside of me I hardly even knew it existed….