You Want Me to Pay How Much to Have You Touch My Breast?!

I’m not one of those people who likes to go to the doctor’s office.  I mean, I don’t think there are really that many people that “like” going to the doctor but they’re more than ready to show up for their regular check-ups, give up two hours of life to sit in the pharmacy area, and pay for an office visit when they have a really bad head cold. I’m not one of those people.  I will stay home and puke in every empty vessel in the house before I even consider making the effort to visit the doctor. Of course,…

Love Gesture or Torture?

My hubby is the best gift giver in the entire universe. Seriously. Sometimes I find myself moaning and groaning about the fact that he isn’t present in the moment (because he’s usually doing something annoying like working from home so that he can earn money to give people those gifts) but he always surprises me with home much he really is paying attention. Back in the Middle Ages when we were living together in sin (about one year pre-marriage vows) he gave me a super deluxe hair dryer for Valentine’s Day. I think I might have even got some super-fast…

Manic Monday (aka I’m Too Old for This S***)

My mornings actually start at night. I cherish my time alone when the boys are asleep so much that I am willing to stay up until almost 2 o’clock in the morning on a work night. I will set up shop on my couch, watch at least one episode of Colbert or Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, take a quick ½ hour nap, eat a bowl (or two) of ice cream and then pretend I’m getting into shape by squeezing an hour on my elliptical while watching Fifty Shades of Grey. (Okay, I’m actually working out, but I’m not sure it counts…

Vacations Give the Loveliest Headaches

A vacation is an adventure that always starts off so exciting with thoughts of perfect travel, exciting experiences and wonderful fresh food that surely await me when I get to my point of destination–in this case, the Big Island of Hawaii. Getting to sleep the night before leaving is one big giant game to be played between myself and myself, trying to convince my excited brain that if I don’t go to sleep right now, I am going to be a miserable crab the next morning.  Sometimes my brain gives me a break and lets me go, but more often…

When Expectations Hit the Fan—A Tale of Two Dressing Rooms

And so It Begins–A Tale of Two Dressing Rooms (Part One) Continued… After spending a few minutes looking for someone that looked like they had keys on them, I (sheepishly) realized that the door to the dressing room was unlocked.  I mentally slapped myself upside the head and continued with the task I had set myself up for—complete thrift store domination.  The signs said five items per room and I said, “Kiss my grits.” I shoved all of my precious items inside of the dressing room, hoarding like I was Gollum.  I have this irrational (or maybe all too real)…

And so It Begins–A Tale of Two Dressing Rooms

Isn’t it amazing how quickly a day can change from one of the smoothest experiences you’ve ever had to the biggest downer of the century? Actually, I bet it’s not that amazing because I’m guessing that most of us have those kinds of days several times a month.  Maybe more.  And if you don’t, we need to have a chat, because I need to learn your every secret. You have evidently mastered life and I must emulate you in every way possible. I hope to someday become one of you. But until then, I must dwell in the land of mediocrity…

Getting Lei’d While on Vacation

Catch up with the story! Part one: Vacations Give the Loveliest Headaches Part  two: Some Vacations Don’t Need an Airport Part three: Am I Actually on Vacation Yet?   Six entertaining (but killer on the legs) hours of travel and my little familial unit was in Kona, Hawaii.  Since we were in a half coma by the time we landed it really only felt like a couple of minutes before we were out the front door.  I guess I wasn’t paying ANY attention to what had been going on to this point because I was extremely surprised to see that…

Have I Become a Successful Coward?

I wish that I could walk across the United States just once. None of that Forrest Gump back and forth bullshit for me–just one good trip to see if I could actually do it. How many miles would I be able to put in before I was ready to call a limo company and grab an air conditioned ride to the nearest town? Would I be able to triumph mind over matter when I inevitably came to the moment where I would systematically tear myself down for being the biggest loser on the planet because I forgot to bring a…

My Most Embarrassing Moments, Part One

When I was in junior high, approximately nine thousand years ago, I was a young, shy, scared individual who thought that she was the center of the universe.  It’s not like I thought I was better than everyone—quite the opposite.  I just didn’t really give a shit about most of them.  Sounds terrible, right?  Well, it probably was, but it was also the truth.  I was too busy living my own drama that I didn’t have time to really spend too much time on anyone else.  I mean, I had a few friends, but I was never popular and I…